He bad or she bad or just whatever. It really doesn’t matter whether your is a fairy tale kind of love, marriage, relationship—there will always be times when the love of your life just keeps pushing the wrong buttons, pisses you off, nags you endlessly about something, irritates or disgusts you in one way or another, disrespects or takes you for granted. There will be times when you will just want to scream in their face how much you are ‘sick and tired’ of all the crap, all the unfairness and selfishness, how they be taking you for granted lately, how they just never seem to run out of lame excuses, the nasty liar they have turned out to be, how cheap they seem to have stooped flirting with whoever comes along—even the filthiest scum of the…! Now stop for a moment! We all know we have this kind of fight mentally in our heads while telling our spouse ‘all is good’ and smiling away all the anger we feel into hiding.
There is an option: the fight could come from your head and into reality. And the consequences at all costs will be yours to bear. Couples fight almost all the time and if you aren’t in a marriage or relationship then all might seem perfect to you. We act a lot. One thing am certain of is this—if you want to learn acting to a point where you a ‘natural’ then just get married, or at least get into a serious relationship and engagement. How fast can a seemingly silly thing cause a fight between two crazy lovebirds and end up grossly in one or both of them lying dead on the floor with a pool of blood all around? How fast? Very fast! And nightmares like these and worse happen all around the world almost every day.
So what’s the worst that can happen? The once beautiful relationship could come to an end. Love could quickly fade into thin air. The one you love could in a blink of an eye be the one person you hate—that one person you hate with a passion (thought they lied when they said ‘there’s a thin line between love and hate” well, think again). A divorce and losing your life’s investments in a court case. Children put in foster care. Locked away for life in some lonesome cruel prison. Losing an eye. Committing murder ‘accidentally’. The list is endless. Which brings us to the question: Is it worth it?
Is it really worth it? You throwing away your life and freedom for that person? Is it worth it? You trying so hard to protect your ego you wouldn’t mind going beastly and harming the other person in the process? Is the love for your spouse worth you sacrificing your own safety and rights? Is it and is that other person worth you losing your cool or think of wanting to take your own life? Is it worth having your child or children live the rest of their innocent lives on their own or in some foster home just because you wouldn’t restrain yourself enough when you could have to avoid doing jail time? The honest truth?—NO! When you are standing at the crossroads and you wonder what your answer to this question should be, then just think ‘It’s not worth it. Whatever the case, it is not worth it’. If you feel this honesty is too harsh then try imagining yourself in jail over some silly crime of passion and tell me if you would still think this is too harsh. Either you are painfully honest with yourself now or you hang in there—in denial—until the awful time right after the regrettable evil has been done. Of course it will not have been your intention but that’s exactly why they say ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’.
So then how do you deal with it without allowing it to get to you so bad you wanna hurt somebody? I will tell you how I sometimes handle it. (Oh, and it works-for me so far.)
- My spouse is human, and won’t always do what I want the way I like it. Sure I believe he finds me a bit of a headache sometimes and still thinks am worth living with and worth forgiving. So I have chosen to return the favor whenever I can.
- Distractions work powerfully. I love music and reading—the poetry weaved in lyrics and melodies-the soul that brings buried emotions and thoughts to life. I don’t undermine the effect music can have so I have this carefully selected playlist for such times when am feeling near-provoked or frustrated. The themes – being single and loving it, celebrating life and success, recovering from failure, life as a single parent, what makes my spouse special—songs that deal with these subjects work amazingly for me.
- They get me subconsciously used to the idea that even if I have vowed to spending the rest of my life with my spouse, anything could happen and if it did it wouldn’t hit me with the same shock as it would if I had allowed myself to live in fantasy world; naturally I don’t like surprises…I don’t take them well and prefer forecasting ‘the what-if’
- That being single or in a relationship are both choices with good things to them and prone to change at any time—which is Okay!
- A great song in such situations is one that makes you forget about what is going on at the moment and makes your mind start to contemplate a very distant concept (slowly the anger will fade without you noticing and so will the interest in dragging the argument);
- The chances of any marriage ending up in single-parenting are quite high, people’s lives haven’t stopped because of these and some of the world’s most influential and successful people are products of single-parenting so yes it can’t all be bad if the worst came to the worst anyway;
- Anger will make you see all the negative things about your spouse and bring to memory every annoying, selfish, disgusting thing they have ever done or said. It’s judgment day and the books are opened but then a song that talks about kindness, love or the good qualities in other people—listened to a little over and over again—is enough to help me look at things more objectively, appreciate my spouse’s efforts to be a better person and his shortcomings, have me re-considering and at least bring me to forgiving the wrong if not the person. And it helps me feel better about myself, knowing I reacted more patiently, with more understanding, and was a bit wiser.
None of this hides the wrong nor undermines the situation but places me in a position where I can address the issue without going mad or saying things I might regret.
- Don’t mix work with pleasure! Yes, I think I had taken in quite a lot of nonsense in life until one day when a stubborn naïve boss got onto my angry side. That was the moment I thought ‘the buck sure stops here’ before getting up and walking out thinking ‘forget you’. Since then, am finding applying the same concept to other aspects of my life (including the personal and family life) is so far proving to be very valuable and useful. For instance, I tell myself, ‘alright, he lied but I would be stooping too low if I did the same in vengeance. Such petty things are beneath me. And there’s more important things I could spend my time dealing with—not this”.
- If you can ignore it then please let it go. It doesn’t hurt to ignore certain things every once in a while. Pay attention to something and even if it is trivial it will rise into a mountain, ignore it and it will fade away without you noticing it. I have chosen to ignore what I can and if am constantly being misunderstood—its ‘okay—the sooner he feels like he has won the ‘argument’ the better and the sooner I go quiet about it the better. This way there will be nothing fueling the flames and I have no problem losing these kinds of ‘debates’.
- Focus on work. Take a walk. Catch a funny movie. Google funny memes. Think about my daughter and how to give her the beautiful life and amazing future she deserves. This last part works my mind to a point where it’s too engaged to think or stress about anything else.
- Well some brainy man once said that the ….to being genius is keeping your sources secret. I love giving people a little surprise once in a while just as much as enjoy keeping a low profile. So this last point will for now be my little secret.
We handle our lives and love situations differently and I would love to hear from you how you go about dealing with similar experiences and how it has worked for you. We love our spouses. But I have come to believe we ought to love ourselves first and most and always return to that spot whenever we are faced with dilemmas and very provocative situations. I love you too much to hurt you, but I love myself so much more to risk ruining my day, peace of mind, life in an avoidable fight with you.